Of Love and Redemption
by dolphinbreeze
Summary: This is a Fenris/F.Hawke pairing.  Rated "M" for violence, language, and adult themes.  Hawke and Fenris are finally together, but then something unthinkable happens.  Can their love survive?
1. Chapter 1

The magic was coursing through his body. He could feel it everywhere; the pain intense, his lyrium markings glowing. He could - he would - endure this. He could do no less for the woman he loved, laying in his arms so close death. He could not lose her now, not after all that happened. While Anders worked, Fenris closed his eyes and reflected on what transpired. Was it only last night that he finally worked up the courage to tell Hawke how he really felt?

_If there is a future to be had, I will walk into it gladly at your side_. He felt such relief in finally mustering his courage, taking charge after being on the run for so long, and having to run no more. Both Hadrianna and Danarius were dead; he was finally free to make a life, and to share that life with the woman who meant so much to him, if she would have him. He and his Hawke talked long into the night, both with their voices and with their bodies.

Hawke was to meet her brother, Carver, early at her estate the next morning on a matter of some urgency, so they finally dressed. They left his "estate" to walk the short distance to her home. He should have been paying more attention, but was too intoxicated with the heady rush of the evening's events to notice the three men barring their path until he and Hawke were practically on top of them.

"Be on your way, knife-ears. We want to have a nice chat with this lovely lady," the leader said, looking leeringly at Hawke.

Hawke rolled her eyes. "Now I would expect this out of Lowtown, but not in Hightown. I will have to talk with Aveline about the patrols around here," she chuckled. "Be on your way gentleman - you do not want to involve yourself with us."

"Oh, but we do...we do. Now!" All of a sudden Hawke fell to the ground, and short second later Fenris feels a prick on his neck as his legs give out underneath him and darkness descended all around.

As he slowly regained consciousness, Fenris takes in the sights and smells around him, trying to determine where he is and what has happened. His hands are shackled above him and pinned to the wall. This place looks disturbingly familiar to him, and then it hits him: it is the cellar where they found Hawke's mother. And then his heart leaps into his throat as he finally sees Hawke pinned naked and spread-eagle on a blood-stained rock table. Old stains; from what he can see she appears unhurt, just unconscious, thank the Maker.

He tried to wrestle out of his shackles but has no strength. "Forget about it, knife-ears," the leader from before says. "The little dart was tipped with Soldier's Bane, an' a good deal more was poured down yer throat. Yer not goin' anywhere."

Fenris appraises his captor, who has the look of a Templar, or former Templar, about him. "Why does a Templar need to capture a mage and hold her down in a cellar? Why not take her back to the Gallows?" Fenris asks.

"We're sanctioned ta be givin' a message ta all the filthy spell-casters. Too much talk goin' on an' not enough action. We're gonna be providin' incentive for them ta be turnin' theirselfs in, we are. Ser Alrik said ta use whatever means necessary, and gave us a target ta start with. He even told of us this nice place here. Said it was real quiet; a lot of screamin' could be goin' on and no one would know," the leader said wickedly.

"Oh…" Hawke said groggily. "What's going on? Why can't I feel my magic?"

"Ser Alrik also provided us with a nice dollop of Magebane," the leader winked to Fenris. "Alrighty, boys...looks like it's time fer our fun ta begin," he shouts out, as about nine other men converge around the table where Hawke is bound.

"Who gets to go first, Ardon?" one of the pack calls out to the leader. "Who do ya think?" Ardon replies. "Faran, come over here quick-like and take this dagger."

Ardon then goes over to Hawke. "This is how it's going to play out, witch. Yer goin' ta like everything we do ta ya, and yer going ta keep asking fer more an' more -"

"You delusional bastard," Hawke interrupts. "I'm going to rip your guts out, you filthy scum."

Ardon hauls back and hits Hawke on her cheek bone, crushing it. "And as I was sayin', if you don't tell me how much you're likin' it Faran over there is going to give yer elf friend a new place to smile," as he mimics a knife going across his throat. Hawke's eyes dart over to Fenris and he can see the fear in them - not for what's about to happen to her, but what could happen to him if she doesn't comply.

"Hawke, no - " Fenris starts. "And you, knife-ears, yer goin' to watch how much she enjoys it or it will go much, much worse for her," Ardon says.

Fenris can see Hawke trying to brace for what was about to happen. He tries to pour everything he is feeling into his eyes, a place for her to take refuge while the unthinkable happens. His strength shatters at her first scream. He yanks at the shackles trying to free himself, but they are too secure; himself, too weak.

Ardon pulls himself off of her, "Next!" and another miscreant, Ajus, continues where Ardon left off. Hawke is able to free one leg, though, and knees him; he screams out in pain. "You bitch!" and kicks her in her knee-cap, shattering it, and then thrusting himself violently inside her all in one motion. Plainly, this rabble has done this sort of thing before.

"Faran, yer next," Ardon pronounced as Ajus finishes. "Turn 'er over, will ya?" said Faran, "I like doin' this from behind."

On and on it goes. Fenris looks on in helpless despair, his senses fogged. Hawke tries to fight bravely, but every time she is beaten worse. All of a sudden the rogues all rush off and Anders is next to him, and with an intake of breath said, "Maker have mercy, what happened?"

Fenris looks at Anders, "Mage, unshackle me now. I have a score to settle." Anders quickly gets Fenris free. Fenris looks around and sees Aveline, Varric, and Carver all in heated battle. All sense leaves him as adrenaline kicks in and dissipates the remaining Soldier's Bane. He rushes forward, a whirlwind of might and steel.

After a time - hours, minutes, days, he knows not how long - Fenris feels a hand on his arm and Aveline saying, "Fenris, it's over." Fenris looks around and sees that she is correct - body parts are flung everywhere. He rushes back to Hawke; Anders is there giving her what aid he can.

"By the Maker," Carver whispers when he sees his sister. "We have to get her out of here and back to her home. I have done what I can to stabilize her, but she needs much, much more," Anders says. "I'll carry her," Carver offers as he reaches for Hawke. All of a sudden she whimpers and tries to struggle, to get away. "I will carry her," Fenris announces. Hawke calms down almost immediately and buries her head in his chest as he holds her. "Let us depart this vile place."

Once back at the estate, Anders directs Fenris upstairs to Hawke's chamber. He turns to Fenris, "She is very bad off. She has many broken bones and massive internal bleeding. She is very close to death. Normally I would not be strong enough to even try and save someone in this condition. However, with enough lyrium I may be able to do so."

"You mean my markings, mage?"

"Yes. I believe that I can use you as a conduit to increase the strength I need to heal her. But the pain for you will be intense - "

"Do it," Fenris interrupts. "Do whatever you need to do to save her. Any pain that I may experience is miniscule compared to what has been inflicted upon her. What do you need from me?"

"I need you to bear as much skin as possible, and then let me position you on the bed."

Fenris strips to his small clothes and climbs on the bed. Anders props pillows behind him, putting him in a seated position. Then he gently places Hawke between Fenris' legs, with her back on his chest. Fenris protectively puts his arms around her and then Anders begins. Fenris feels the magic coursing through his body... 


	2. Chapter 2

"Well?" Fenris asks when he feels the mage finally stop. "She is deep in sleep. I think she will be able to pull through. She's strong and is a fighter. She is going to require more healing, but I believe the worst is over - physically."

"What do you mean, physically?"

"I have treated many women in my clinic, who have been through the trauma Hawke has, but not quite to this extent. For some women it was only one man, for others it was a gang, as in this instance. Also, for some women it was by someone they know. In all cases, it is always psychologicallythe same for the women: they withdraw into themselves and blame themselves for what happened. They push away their loved ones because they do not feel worthy of them - and it is especially true of their lover or husband. They feel ashamed. Elf, I know she chose you over me; I wish it had been different, but I still care for her happiness no matter what. So I need to prepare you: this emotional healing is going to test both of you, not just because of what happened to her, but because you witnessed it happening to her."

"You have given me much to think on, mage. I thank you for your candor. If there is nothing else, I wish to be alone with her now. I bid you good night."

"Of course. You will need your rest as well. We will take shifts in watching her starting tomorrow. Good night," Anders says as he shuts the door.

Fenris leans down and whispers in Hawke's ear, "I know you cannot hear me now, but I swear to you I will do whatever is needed. I will not lose you, not now."

* * *

><p>Fenris is awakened by a tentative knock and the door opening slightly, revealing Anders' head. "How is she?"<p>

"She did not stir the night," Fenris replies.

"I am not surprised," Anders says, entering the room, "she will be in a deep sleep for at least a few more days. We need to get some broth down her and then I need to heal her again."

"I am at your disposal," Fenris said.

"That is not necessary," Anders replies. "I have what I need to complete this next phase of her healing. Carver, Aveline, and Varric are downstairs, waiting to talk with you."

"Of course," says Fenris, "I would like to hear how you all knew where to find us," and goes downstairs.

"How is she?" an anxious Carver asks as soon as he sees Fenris.

"She is as well as can be expected. Tell me: how did you know where to find us?" Fenris asks, getting straight to the point.

"Well," Carver starts, "you know how punctual she is. I arrived yesterday morning for our meeting, and was surprised to find she wasn't here. Bodhan indicated that while he expected her home that evening, she never came back. That's when I went over to your place to see if she was there, but both of you were gone. I came back here and asked Bodhan to have a message run to Varric and Aveline. Anders, in the mean time, had come to talk with her as well and hadn't seen her. Varric and Aveline arrived a short time later, and they had not seen nor talked with her since the day before."

Varric piped in with, "And since trouble seems to find you, Ser Broody, we knew something must be up for both of you to be missing."

Carver continued, "It was then I realized it might have something do with why I wanted to talk to my sister in the first place."

"Which was...?" Fenris prompted.

"A few weeks ago Ser Alrik sought me out to get more information on what had happened to Mother. I found nothing unusual in his request, so told him where she had been found and all that had transpired. He seemed satisfied and left. A few days later I started hearing some rumblings from the more fringe part of the Templars - how things weren't moving fast enough to rein in mages and that they were going to be doing something about it. Finally a few days ago I heard from a friend of a friend of a friend that they were going to make an example of someone - to get things moving. I wanted to warn my sister to be careful, to keep her guard up. With her missing things just seemed to click and I suggested we check out that cellar."

"Your timing was most fortuitous," Fenris started to say. He was interrupted by Anders, joining the conversation as he was coming down the stairs, "Indeed it was. I think had we been a few minutes later we would have lost her."

"What now?" Carver asked.

"Now Hawke needs as much rest as possible," Anders replied. "Someone will need to be with her at all times, at least until she awakens in a few days. Bodhan is with her now, but I suggest we take shifts."

"I will be with her; no shifts are necessary," said Fenris.

"Fenris," Aveline gently says, "you cannot watch her all day and all night. You need to recover as well. We all care for her and want to watch out for her. Why don't you take the night shift and the rest of us can split the day? Go back to your place and get refreshed."

"Actually, that sounds perfect, Aveline," Anders says.

"Very well, I will return soon" Fenris warily replies. "As I said, mage, I will do whatever is necessary." Fenris rose and headed out the door.

* * *

><p>Hawke tried to get her bearings, as she slowly sits up. "Oh, my head. What…where…?"<p>

"Easy, Hawke," Aveline says as she comes to her friend's side. "Just take it easy."

"Aveline, what happened? How did I get here? Where is Fenris?"

"What do you remember, Hawke?"

"Um, things seem so hazy. I remember walking back to my place with Fenris but I think we were stopped. The rest seems like a nightmare: I was tied up and some men were doing horrible things, and then you all rushed in…"

Aveline lowers her eyes. Hawke turns scarlet and sharply intakes her breath as her hand flies to her mouth. "It wasn't a nightmare was it? It was real. Oh, by the Maker, you all saw…everything? How can you be here, how can you even look at me? Oh, please leave, Aveline."

"I most certainly will not, Hawke. You are the best friend I have ever had and you need me more than ever. There is nothing you can ever say or do that will make me abandon you."

"Oh, Aveline, I…I…" and then Hawke burst into uncontrollable tears. Aveline sits by her friend's side and takes her into her arms. "I'm here, dear one, I'm here."

A short while later, Hawke pulls away. "I don't know how I can do it, Aveline. How can I face him…them. I just can't. I need to leave, I need to slip away and get out of here. Please, just tell them you came up here to check on me, but I was gone."

"I'm sorry, Hawke," replied Aveline. "I can't do that. You are loved by too many, and it would not be fair to them. We can get through this. It will be alright, I promise. Anders should be here any minute to check on you."

"Anders?" asks Hawke. "Not Fenris? I see. I must have hurt him badly, showing such weakness. I can't say I blame him for not wanting to be here. He must be so disgusted. I –"

"Knock, knock," called out Anders as he opens the door. "I heard voices. I'm so pleased you are awake. Please, Aveline, will you excuse us while I check her over?"

"Certainly," Aveline said, as she silently thanked the Maker for Anders' timely arrival. As much as he tried to prepare her for Hawke's state of mind for when she realized what had happened to her, nothing had prepared Aveline for such guilt and despair emanating from her friend.

* * *

><p>Anders strolled down the stairs a short while later. "She's asleep," he announced.<p>

"I want to see her…now," Fenris demands.

"No, Fenris. We talked about this. Given what she has been through, the first person that she needed to see in order to get her bearings was her oldest female friend. She has no sister or mother; Aveline needed to play that role for her recovery to begin."

"And has it?" Aveline asks. "Maker, I was nearly overwhelmed by her guilt."

"It will take time, everyone. It will take time. Please, I've had experience with this. Let this play out. Little steps are needed right now," Anders says as Aveline, Carver, Varric, and finally Fenris nod their heads in agreement.


	3. Chapter 3

Fenris knocked on Hawke's door. "Who is it?" he hears from the other side.

"It is Fenris. Please, may I come in?" When he doesn't hear any response he repeats, "Please, may I come in?"

"Yes," he hears the soft reply, and opens the door. There sits his beautiful Hawke, propped up in her bed, eyes downcast.

"Hawke, please look at me." Fenris asks.

"I can't, Fenris, I just can't. Please, for your own good, please go away and leave me alone. I don't want to see you and I don't want you here."

"Hawke…" Fenris begins.

"How can you even want to look at me after what happened? How can I even look you in the eye without shame?" She looks up then, eyes blazing, "You failed me! You let them take me! YOU did this to me! I don't want to see you anymore, Fenris. You're useless. I don't want to be around you now or ever again. Just go!"

Fenris can only stare in shock at the flare of her emotions. Guilt and remorse flood through him anew. She is right after all; he knows he failed her. "As you wish, Hawke. I will trouble you no further." He turns stiffly and leaves, closing the door behind him.

Fenris sees Aveline and Anders talking in the foyer as he comes down the stairs. One look at his face and Anders has a pretty good idea as to what transpired. "Elf, remember: this won't last. Hawke will want you with her again. Just give it time. It was too soon to see her."

"It has been four days since I have seen her. I did what you asked and stayed away, but I could stand it no longer and had to talk with her. But she is right – I do need to leave her. I failed her." Fenris then walks out the door.

"Maker what a mess," said Aveline as soon as the door closed. "I don't think I can take this much longer. They need each other, not to be apart."

"It will work out, Aveline, have no fear. He needs to heal as much as she does. He will be back tonight, somewhere…watching. He will watch over her, even from afar, until he is sure she is alright. His guilt will not allow him to do less. But tonight, when you come back, you need to let her talk about what just happened."

"I hope you're right, Anders. I hope you're right. I need to go home to Donnic, and then will be back in a bit to relieve you." Aveline said as she walks out the door.

* * *

><p>"Hey, you," Aveline said, as she walked into Hawke's chamber later that evening. "You're looking better. Anders is a skilled Healer."<p>

"Donnic sends his regards," she continues. "Although he doesn't know what happened, he knows I need to be here right now. Did Anders already give you your medicine for the evening?" she asks as she sits by Hawke's side.

Hawke smiles, "Thank you, Aveline, you're a good friend. I really don't know what I would do without you. Anders, yes; he made sure I drank the last of it just before you arrived. And he cleared me to get back to my normal routine starting tomorrow. I'm looking forward to getting some fresh air."

"That sounds great…I'm sure Fenris would enjoy a nice stroll with you –"

"He's gone," Hawk interrupts. "He won't be coming back. I made sure of that," she declares, her fists clenched at her side.

"What do you mean, he won't be coming back?" Aveline pressed.

"I did what I had to do, to protect him. He's been through so much for so long, and finally free of Danarius' grip. He deserves better than having to remember what happened to me every time he looks at me, with repulsion, I'm sure. Although it took everything I had not to take him into my arms and take all the hurtful things back that I said to him, I had to let him go. Maker knows I love him, but he's better off without me, and will truly be able to make a fresh start," she said with steely resolve mixed with sadness.

"You have no way of knowing this, of course, but the main reason you are here with us now is because of Fenris," Aveline starts. "There was no way Anders was strong enough to heal you, so he used the lyrium from Fenris to give him the needed strength."

Hawke bows her head. "Oh, Aveline! So, I caused him great physical pain as well. Now I know he is better off without me," Hawke said as tears start rolling down her face.

Aveline leans in and holds her friend, letting her cry it out. While consoling Hawke, she catches a fleeting glimpse of a shadow near the open window…a shadow with silver hair in the moonlight. She thinks to herself, _How in the world did Anders know Fenris would be back so soon, and at her window, no less?_

Pretty soon Hawke's tears dry up and she becomes very drowsy. After a few moments, Aveline gently lays her down on her pillows, blows out all but one candle, and slips out the door. She was rather proud of herself for not letting Fenris know she knew he was listening in. She hoped he heard what he needed to hear.

* * *

><p>Fenris waited until he was sure Hawke was asleep, and no one else would be entering, before slipping from the window into her room. He was so confused. Hawke was right in her condemnation of him, he knew she was. Yet, she still loved him? How could she? He did not protect her when she needed him the most. He let her down.<p>

Hawke started whimpering in her sleep, thrashing from side to side. She was going to wake herself, and everyone else, up and see him there. He needed to do something to soothe her, and fast. He quickly, but quietly, stripped his armor and slipped into her bed, taking her in his arms. Almost immediately he felt the tension go out of her. Even though he was sure she was asleep, he heard her whisper, "I love you, Fenris." She sighed and then fell deeply into sleep. Sleep, true sleep, soon claimed him as well.

The door cracked open a short time later, just enough for Anders to pop his head in. At the scene before him a satisfied, but sad, smile spread across his face. What he had told the elf in the beginning was true: Hawke's happiness was important to him even if she had chosen another. And now both were on the way to healing their hurts.

* * *

><p>As the daylight started filtering into her room, Hawke slowly opened her eyes and sighed sadly. She finally had a peaceful sleep last night, and it ended with a most pleasant dream. A dream in which Fenris was actually with her, and not far away, as she was sure he was by now. She suddenly froze as she realized that someone else was in bed with her, arms wrapped protectively around her. Arms adorned with the most beautiful lyrium markings.<p>

"Good morning," Fenris' voice whispered in her ear.

She stiffened. She had no choice. She had to face him, face his loathing, face his disappointment. She turned over so she could get this out of the way.

"You are so beautiful, Hawke."

She just stares dumbfounded as she sees the love in his eyes. No condemnation. No disgust. Just love. She lowers her eyes – she can't face him. "But, how…how…can you…say…say that? How can…you…you even s-s-stand to look at me," she finally stutters out, tears starting to roll down her face.

Fenris takes his thumb and gently wipes away the tears. "How can I not?" he responds. "You are the strongest, most beautiful woman I have ever known. What happened would have killed any other woman, but not you. You ask how can I stand to look at you, while I would be asking you the same of me. I was the one who failed and did not protect you. We both are blaming ourselves for something that was not of our doing. I am finally understanding that now. Our love is what will help us heal our hurts. We both endured something that no one ever should. We both survived. We are both here. That night I had said to you _If there is a future to be had, I will walk into it gladly at your side_ and I meant it."

Slowly, tentatively, Hawke reaches out, cupping Fenris' face gently in her hands. "I love you, my wolf," she says and slowly kisses him. Soon their bodies are doing the talking, and the rest of the healing begins.


End file.
